On Doubt and Insecurity, and Creating Anyway

Issue #22

Giveaway Alert!

Mindy McGinnis' recently released The Female of the Species takes an unflinching look at the insidiousness of rape culture. This book is dark and difficult and painful, but hopeful in the right places. A month after reading, I'm still thinking about it, and I want to share this masterful story with you.

One hardcover copy is up for grabs.
Enter to win »

Last Month's Lowdown

September was again spent meeting a deadline, but I did manage to escape my office a few times! Once, to go on a mini-vacation in northern New Hampshire (which of course Baby Bowman got sick during), and also to attend the Boston Teen Author Fest in Cambridge, Mass! I caught up with old author friends, met new ones IRL for the first time, and best of all, chatted with passionate, wonderful readers. If you're in the Boston area, don't miss this festival in the future. It was a day of panels and signings with 35 YA authors that was incredibly well-organized and just plain fun.

Also, those organizers? They gave all the attending authors a parting gift: a mini-mason jar filled with creative inspiration from the greats, plus incredibly thoughtful notes from readers. The kind words about Vengeance Road in my jar made me tear up. I will be keeping this on my desk for when I need a pick-me-up.

Because no newsletter is complete without some recommendations.... I've been listening to the new Bon Iver album, 22, A Million, which is beautiful, even if I can't understand half of what he's saying. Also: Longmire season 5 is finally on Netflix and the Engineer and I are flying through it. One episode to go! The wait for the next season is going to kill me.
 

Bringing Up Baby (Bowman)

The weather is turning and Baby Bowman (who's definitely a toddler now and has been for quite some while, but I'm in denial) is totally in love with Fall. We spent a lot of September outside, collecting leaves and pinecones. She is so sweet and innocent and I want this stage to last forever.
 
Her book pick for the month is Bring Me a Rock! by Daniel Miyares. Baby Bowman is infatuated with this tale about a grasshopper king who demands the other bugs create him a majestic rock throne, and the tiny bug who can only manage to lift a pebble. She would declare "Bring me a rock!" as we read, and also point to the pebble that inevitably saves the day. Reminiscent of Seuss' Yertle the Turtle, with striking illustrations to boot.

Writing Heart-to-Heart

I turned in a revision of Retribution Rails on Monday. This resulted in cheering, but also, in true writerly fashion, a bout of paranoia and insecurity. You know how it goes—that ugly voice that whispers, This book is crap, it's a mess, no one will like it, and it's boring, too.

I am not fishing for reassurances or pity. Trust me. This is just a phase I always go through and I know I'm not alone. Pretty much every one of my writer friends experiences the same worries, and unfortunately, these worries tend to get more intense as you near the end of the editorial process. The closer a book is to the printer, the greater the crippling doubt. (Oh, joy.)

I've been thinking a lot about why this happens. To quote Anne Lamott, "Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor...and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft." The doubts and fears and worries we experience aren't as intense at the beginning. We've given ourself permission to write Draft Zero, after all. We know it will be messy. This is just part of the process. All writers write shitty first drafts. Then again, Lamott goes on to say, "This is how [writers] end up with good second drafts and terrific third drafts."

And here's where the fear and doubts hit, because I think a lot of writers, myself included, are always trying to grow. By trying to grow, you have to stay humble, you have to be open to your flaws and actively looking for areas to improve. So it becomes difficult to point to your book and say, "This is terrific! This is amazing and worthy of praise." In most cases, when my books finally go off to the printer, I find myself thinking, "Well, I'm proud of that story and I did the best I could in the time I had. I hope people don't hate it."

I know a lot of this sounds contradictory to the advice I gave last month. But it's not. I'm still a firm believer that we shouldn't have to suffer for our craft. I'm still advocating (like Elizabeth Gilbert) that we "be the weirdo who dares to enjoy." I just want to reiterate that doubting your work is totally normal. After all, the longer you're invested in a project, the less magic it seems to hold. You grow too close to your story and characters. Nothing feels fresh or inspired, because you know the beats that are coming, the dialog that will unfold, and the plot twist that waits just around the corner. This is why critique partners and beta readers (and editors!) are so important. They can provide that gut-check when those nagging, negative voices start whispering in the back of your head. They can come in with fresh eyes and objectively assure you, "Okay, it's not a complete mess, but here are some ways you can make it stronger."

There's this this line in Retribution Rails, where one of the main characters reflects on guilt:

I imagine [my regrets] trailing behind me like a cape, reminding me of what I done and all the ways I can do better. I'll tolerate it. Some days I might even wear it. But no matter what, from this day forward, it will not wear me.

I think creative doubt is really similar. You have to learn to coexist with it. Know that the doubt is natural, acknowledge that it is there, but don't give it any real power. Don't let it control you. Show the doubt who's boss and create anyway.

And in the end, if you're proud of the story you put into the world, that's really all you can ask for. That's success in my book.

Links of Interest

On Timing, Perspective, and How Everything Happens for a Reason by Katy Upperman (piece starts just below dandelion image and is a MUST READ for all aspiring writers) 
Stories for All: Inclusive World Building by Tara Sim
The Writer's Life: How to Juggle Multiple Tasks and Thrive by Rochelle Melander
More About Waiting by Jodi Meadows
How Writing a YA Novel Helped Me Come Out at 34 by Sonia Belasco
Your Author Brand: What It Is and Why It's Important by Dana Kaye
I Went Off Social Media for a Month and My Panic Attacks Stoped by Valerie Tejeda
Suspension of Disbelief by Rachel Seigel
24 Beautiful Bookshelves via Buzzfeed 😍
[QUIZ] Could You Survive the Wild West? via Epic Reads 🌵

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Upcoming Events

OCTOBER 21st, 10:15am
Speaking at Pittsfield Middle High School
in Pittsfield, NH (open to public)

For all events, see full calendar » 

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Recent Pins

Inspiration art recently added to my pinterest boards. I do not own these images, nor are they officially associated with my books.
CREDIT: stills from Magnificent Seven (2016) / Diablo / Magnificent Seven (2016) / Magnificent Seven (TV) / Magnificent Seven (2016)

Currently Reading

    CROOKED KINGDOM
by Leigh Bardugo
RECENTLY READ:
The Female of the Species by Mindy McGinnis *
Wink, Poppy, Midnight by April Tucholke

Star (*) denotes a personal favorite.

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