It's complicated

A facebook relationship status that also applies to most writing careers

If I had to sum up publishing in two words, I might choose “it’s complicated.” Or perhaps “it’s luck” or “stay persistent” or “be patient.”

But the complicated bit sums up everything.

It’s a complicated industry for many reasons—the luck, the timing, the grit you need to survive, the patience you need to practice with yourself (and others.) It’s also complicated because almost nothing happens as you might expect or hope.

A long time ago, when I was a bright-eyed and eager aspiring author, I thought getting that first book deal would be the hardest step. Once I had it, I’d be in! I didn’t think things would be easy after that point, but I was fairly certain that the hardest work would be behind me.

Turns out staying published is the truly hard part. (Nearly anyone who’s been doing this for a decent amount of time will tell you the same.)

Aside from how complicated it can be to query or revise or handle our taxes or, heck, write the darn book, the feelings that come with publishing are immensely complicated, too.

On Tuesday, I published my tenth novel.¹ I am so, so proud of In the Dead of the Night, but I’m also feeling really complicated feelings about it. Because I never expected or planned on Book 10 being a self-published book.

There was a point after wrapping my last contracted novel whenI hoped that In the Dead of the Night might sell to a publisher next. (It didn’t.) As recently as about six months ago, I was preparing for my next middle grade novel to hit shelves in 2025 with a trad publisher. That book was going to be my Book Ten.²

Alas, publishing rarely unfolds as we expect, hope, or plan.

So I kept writing and working, and when Book Ten finally rolled around, it was absolutely not what I ever pictured it would be. That’s not to say that what’s come to fruition is bad or anything. Again, I’m incredibly proud of myself and so glad I took this leap. Plus, self-pub (much like trad) has so many unique pros. Still, I’ve been caught off guard by the rush of emotions I’ve felt this past week, which have ranged from such joyful excitement and intense pride, to deep sadness and fits of melancholy. It’s hard to comprehend how I can feel all these contradicting things at the same time. But that’s publishing for you: a constant surprise.

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Earlier this month, I was at the New Hampshire Book Festival, the inaugural event for what is shaping up to be a fantastic annual book event in the Concord area. I moderated a middle grade fantasy panel, signed some books, sold out of In the Dead of the Night (hooray!) as well as some of my other titles, and also had the pleasure of attending the closing keynote headlined by the incredible Kate DiCamillo.

Kate has been doing this writing thing since the 90s, and there was something she said that really stuck with me: “I’m on book 36,” she said toward the end of her talk, “and I’m always hoping and praying that I’ll get to do another.”³ Earlier in the evening, she spoke about the number of rejections she amassed before her debut (436, if I’m remembering correctly) and how she keeps her Newbery medals in a drawer and peeks at them only once a year because “how are you supposed to create with that hanging over you?!”⁴ You can’t, obviously! It’s virtually impossible to have an external critic in your space when you’re trying to write. And besides, it’s never about that validation anyway, it’s about telling a story. Awards complicate everything!

Lastly, she talked about reading as a gift. How it is this amazing, wonderful thing that we get to do. Not have to do out of obligation, but get to do as a treat. How lucky are we, to be able to sit down and read.

I feel the same way about writing. The publishing side of it—the business, be it trad, self pub, or a bit of both—is complicated. But the writing isn’t. (Okay, I lied. The actual writing and editing can be extremely complicated and messy and difficult. But the desire to tell a story is not.) We sit down because there is a world inside us, character we want to share, a story that has to be told. And so we write.

This is such a simple, straightforward goal, and it’s beautiful.

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I think I’ve written newsletters with this general message before, but it bears repeating: The business side of publishing is brutal and, yes, complicated. In how it runs/operates, and especially in how it makes us feel.

But wanting to tell a story is not.

Naturally, when you take something simple and straightforward and put it through the wringer, you will come out the other side with complicated feelings.

I’ve felt both highs and lows after releasing all of my trad books. And here I am, again feeling the same after my first self-published release. It’s complicated, but that’s par for the course. And in a way, that’s reassuring, I guess.

I’m feeling complicated feels.

Just like every writer out there. A tale as old as time.

Erin Bowman is the critically acclaimed author of numerous books for children and teens, including the Taken Trilogy, Vengeance Road, Retribution Rails, the Edgar Award-nominated Contagion duology, The Girl and the Witch’s Garden, and Dustborn. A web designer turned author, Erin has always been invested in telling stories—both visually and with words. Erin lives in New Hampshire with her husband and children.

1. I still need to send out a dedicated book launch email. It’s coming, I swear.

2. One day, I will share the details about what happened with this book deal, but today is not the day. I’m still processing it all and grieving what could have been.

3. I’m paraphrasing here.

4. Again, paraphrasing…